Relationship Advice From Eric Charles

Eric Charles here and I want to talk about the biggest mistake women make in relationships, the one thing that I see over and over again that can basically screw you up from the start.

The other day, I was talking to a female friend who was feeling anxious and panicked over this new guy she started seeing. Things basically started out great and then he went out of the country for a few days and she hadn’t heard from him since he returned.

She came to me desperate to understand what was happening, saying he was so into her in the beginning and she couldn’t understand why he would just drop off like this. Like most of the readers who come to me with their relationship questions, she wanted to know exactly what was going on in his head and what she could do to fix it.

The problem is….you can’t ever know. She was plotting and strategizing ways to control something that could never be in her control… ever.

Most women screw themselves over because they look at the guy’s behavior in a specific instance and freak out about it. They then give off a bad vibe which spreads to him (even if you don’t realize it) and it derails everything.

Let me ask you, what good has ever come from worrying and stressing about a relationship? None!

A much better strategy is to approach a new situation with the attitude of “I’m having fun and we’ll see where this goes” and just take it as it comes. And you need to not care. I know it’s hard, but the caring is what’s messing you up. It’s causing you to stress and get overly invested.

When you don’t know how he feels about you, that’s exactly the best time not to care. When you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, how he feels about you… then care all you want.

Worrying or wondering or caring about whether or not you’re on the same page doesn’t help… it’s only going to lead you to a bad place.

Instead of investing time into the worrying, invest time into focusing on how destructive the caring is.

Here’s something you need to realize. There is no satisfaction to be gained from playing emotional detective.

So why do we do it? It’s because our minds convince us that there is some sort of pay-off for this obsessive thinking, that maybe once we find the solution we’ll feel better and it will all make sense.It doesn’t work like that, you can never know what is going on in someone else’s head and how they’re feeling.

My friend did what most people do, she projected the way she was feeling onto the guy. While he was away, she thought about him constantly and was really excited for him to return.

Since the anticipation was building for her, she assumed he would reach out the second his plane landed.

However, his process could have been completely different. He could have been busy dealing with whatever he needed to deal with and wasn’t thinking about the relationship because there was no time (and also no point since they wouldn’t be able to pick things back up until he returned).You have to break the habit of thinking you have any idea what he feels. You don’t, and you won’t. If you’re seeing a guy and then he begins to fade away or vanish, you need to realize there was nothing more you could have done.

Instead of worrying and analyzing, journal about your feelings and what leads you to this place of panic and desperation. Focus specifically on what thoughts, ideas and perspectives lead you to feeling like you’re walking on eggshells or worried about things falling apart or changing and try to trace these thoughts back to their root.

Oftentimes when women come to me with their relationship questions, they’re looking for some magical key that will unlock the door to understanding. And that just will never happen.

Actively journalling and tracing back the thoughts is that “key” and will help you identify negative patterns that may be blocking you from getting you the relationship you want. 

Eric Charles is Boston-based dating and relationship expert. After graduating from Boston University with a major in Psychology and Advertising, he began coaching men to help them improve their love-lives. In the years since, Eric has contributed to several websites, utilizing his insights and skills to help both men and women find happiness within themselves as well as in their relationships. Today, Eric is the Creative Director of anewmode as well as the site’s web-designer.